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Superhero Wannabes

Posted on February 26, 2019 | 0 comments

With the upcoming debut of the new Captain Marvel film, we thought this would be a good time to celebrate anything and everything related to superheroes! These extraordinary, larger than life characters not only keep our cities safe from bad guys, aliens, and killer robots, they also have the uncanny ability to do it all while looking really cool and being pretty darn entertaining. Heck, we'd be happy to do any one of those things...

And although we love watching Captain America or Iron Man save the world in an epically choreographed battle full of explosions and flying cars, we can't help but think that maybe we'd like to meet a superhero with a more practical otherworldly ability.

Here are the superheroes we'd really love to see:

Monday Man

Name: Monday Man
Ability: Acts as a superhuman personal assistant to make Mondays tolerable.
Origin:
A nervous breakdown on the way to work one Monday leads John Lunes to seek out a legendary businessman (played by Alec Baldwin) who teaches him the secrets of the first day of the workweek. Now he travels from city to city helping people at their wit's end make it through the day. As a result, he gets to take the rest of the week off. Win-win.
Secret Weapon:
A never-empty coffee mug
Sidekick:
Calendario (Master scheduler)
Favorite Candy: Albanese Dark Chocolate Espresso Beans

Barbi-Q

Name: Barbi-Q
Ability: Keeps charcoal grills burning at a constant temperature and can exhale propane when necessary.
Origin: After her father was embarrassed three years in a row by his sub-par grill skills at the family cookout, Barbara Quiggly retreated to a laboratory where she perfected her understanding of thermodynamics. Now she spends her summers zipping around to rescue picnics in distress. 
Secret Weapon: Tactical belt full of lighters and thermometers 
Sidekick: The Ketchup Kid (and occasionally Mustard Boy)
Favorite Candy: efrutti Gummi Hot Dogs

Choc-Topus

Name: Choc-topus
Ability: Can dip and decorate gourmet chocolates 400% faster than the average human.
Origin: Charlie Oktopus (pronounced ahk-TOE-pus) is the son of a deep-sea fisherman and a ballet dancer. Because his father had disturbed a cursed treasure trove at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, Charlie was born with eight arms. Though he endured relentless bullying throughout his school years, he eventually found that the extra appendages, combined with the agility and intelligence he inherited from his mother were a tremendous asset. He eventually got a job at All City Candy where he was rapidly promoted to head of the gourmet chocolate-dipped line. 
Secret Weapon: A backpack full of tiny wooden sticks (for dipping!)
Sidekick: Sprinklina, a unicorn with the ability to shake candy sprinkles from her colorful mane
Favorite Candy: All City Candy's Gourmet Milk Chocolate Covered Sprinkled Pretzel Twists

The Entertainer

Name: The Entertainer
Ability: Keeps kids safely occupied for hours inside a soundproof bubble.
Origin: When her classmates at clown college told her she was no fun, Anna Mashon mysteriously disappeared. Five years later she began appearing whenever the words "I'm bored!" were repeated three times within an hour. However, she never appeared in the homes of the classmates who mocked her. She is the most vengeful of superheroes.
Secret Weapons: Fidget spinners, slime, and a miniature, high-powered projector that plays the most recent Disney movie on repeat
Sidekick: The Listener (Can maintain rapt attention for up to 10 hours whenever someone under the age of 12 is speaking) 
Favorite Candy: Candy Blox Activity Candy

Captain Decisive

Name: Captain Decisive
Ability:
 Whether it's what movie to see, what restaurant to go to, or the destination for your next vacation, Captain Decisive makes the perfect choice for couples and families who can never agree on anything.
Origin: When he and his family finally agreed on what to watch on Hulu after a solid week of debate, Aaron Chuzer's brain was so flooded with endorphins that he immediately gained the ability to determine the best possible outcome in any situation.  
Secret Weapon: A coin that can have any number of sides. Its supernatural properties mean that even complex, multi option decisions can be settled by coin toss. 
Sidekick: Backup Boy (Has a similarly uncanny ability to choose the best way to salvage plans that have gone awry)
Favorite Candy: Fort Knox Milk Chocolate Emoji Coins

The Brain

Name: The Brain
Ability: 
Not so much a superhero as a supernatural concept like "The Force" or "The Matrix," The Brain gives you the ability to remember and articulate junior high level subjects so that you don't look like an idiot when your kids need help with their homework.
Origin: 
Unknown, but it has been theorized that the Brain is actually the ghost of Albert Einstein whispering into people's ears. 
Secret Weapon: 
A TI-89 Graphing Calculator
Sidekick: 
The Guide (Helps you dispense sage advice when your teenagers are heartbroken, conflicted or otherwise distressed.)
Favorite Candy: Dum Dums Lollipops

The Gleam

Name: The Gleam
Ability: 
Not to be confused with The Flash, The Gleam has the ability to clean your house all day long without tiring or getting distracted.
Origin: 
Scientist Leslie Mopp just wanted to invent a serum that would get her husband, Holden, to put his dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink. When Holden found the vial of mysterious liquid in the back of the fridge, he mistook it for hot sauce and poured the whole thing on his burrito. Now he cleans all day long and spends his nights in the cleanest home on the planet -- his own!
Secret Weapon: 
Clorox Wipes
Sidekick: 
Dustpan (Who cleans up after the cleaners?)
Favorite Candy: Toxic Waste Hazardously Sour Candy

 

We don't expect many of these characters to rake in the dough at the box office or our local comic book store, but you've gotta admit they'd be pretty handy to have around, right? 

What kind of superhero could really make your life better? The Atomic Butler? Captain Carwash? Tell us about them below!

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Posted in Humor, Jimmy Sweet Tooth, Products


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